Consider this as a prayer in writing, a prayer blog if you will. It's half past 7 in the morning. I'm here inside the faculty room, alone. Just finished a cup of coffee, and now reading a booklet given to me by a visiting professor on, of all things, "Practicing the Presence of God".
The past 3 weeks have been an eye-opener for me. My adviser was right (she always is) when she said that when I finish my grad studies and return to my home university, chances are I'd be jubilantly welcomed like a victor coming home from a well-fought war. While I doubted then that this prediction will really happen, looking back at what I've experienced so far, it really seemed like it. In faculty gatherings, for instance, I find myself more and more in the company of people who'd normally sit in "the presidential table". At first, I would reason to myself that it's because of the activities I proposed recently which "got approved" by upper admin: (1) inviting a distinguished professor to visit the Philippines, who made the rounds to the most influential Philippine universities, a conference, and a number of influential organizations, (2) recommending candidates for new faculty positions, who are fully qualified and with impressive credentials, and (3) writing and submitting research proposals that got approved and now are good candidates for the college's flagship research projects, and which became official entries to a nation-wide research competition. There's another big and surprising news personally relayed to me by an upper administrator, which I won't divulge yet since it still hasn't really sunk into my subconsciousness. Now, I'm a little (but not quite) comfortable of the added variety of responsibilities I'm currently handling. I feel really humbled by these subtle triumphs, knowing that I don't deserve all these things burgeoning at my path. I feel scared of these prospects, since the added responsibilities mean added chances of failing (and rejection). I feel anxious that I'd lose the things I am currently enjoying and taking for granted: a flexible schedule to make impulsive decisions to visit some place or see some friends and loved ones, relative anonymity to just be part of the crowd, complete control of my schedule and who I want to see, not being conscious of what I wear, what I eat, where I travel or how I travel in and around the city, personal time for reflection and prayer or just to laze around. In short, just being under the radar, enough to remain who I am, with my sanity untarnished by politics or any added responsibility. I guess, I'm really getting older in this university where I work. My friends are starting to get key important positions, and I'm happy that they are. It's just that I haven't thought then that I will have to keep pace with them some day. Sometimes, I humor myself by thinking of the simple things I will lose someday, for example, inserting "po" or "opo" terms of respect when I converse with people, since it would soon be awkward for me to do so when I should be at the receiving end of those references. Like, for example, I found it weird that our department secretary called me "sir" one day, for the first time in a long long while, and even referred to me as such in an official email.
Hay naku. What's in store for me in the coming weeks, or months, or years, we cannot really tell. Que sera sera... But I know, Lord, my life is really in your divine hands. You are my director, my planner; You know what is best for me. I will continue to do what I think and feel is right and proper, with my conscience as my compass, but the success of all my endeavors rests on You and depends on what You will for me. Thank you, Lord, for everything You've given me. I remain in Your humble service. Teach me to be humble, and to continue being the person that you desire for me. I remain excited of the prospects, but my eyes, heart and mind open to the lessons You have prepared for me in all the things I am experiencing right now. All these, I pray, through Christ. Amen.
