A diary entry 18 years ago...

Since this turned out as a lazy day, me having woken up very late and deciding not to go to work, I had the chance to read on some entries from my diary, written some 18 years ago. I was a sophomore High Schooler on a summer break then; It was nice to read some of my old thoughts, and my awkwardly mechanical writing style. Read on!

May 5, 1995
Friday 
11:00 PM

My mother's worried face awakened me early this morning. Hugging me, she told me her very frightening dream. She dreamt that Ate Weng and I drowned in a pool. Because of this, - I thought - my plan to go to the Aklatang Bayan and to have a confession will be virtually postponed. Well, even though that dream didn't happen, it would be very hard for me to get up on my knees and travel to such tiring and distant* places. As usual, most of my day was spent dozing* till afternoon. A nocturnal* habit is rather, quite appealing to me since my friends are out of their houses and are free to chat whatever they like. You know? It's quite entertaining to gab with young children, say those ranging from 6 to 10 years old. They can even give you lots of gimmicks if you give them some opportunity. 

Vocabulary:
distant - far; far-off; remote
dozing - sleeping; drowsing
nocturnal - nightly

Nifty isn't it? More of a logbook of activities, than a diary. Notice the way I use my diary to learn new words, hehe... Fast forward to 1998, here's an entry written during the Yuletide season. Still into the nocturnal habit (some things never change)!.

Dec 26, 1998
2:48 AM

Almost 10 minutes before 3; the room is dead silent. For a while, it seems everything is lost; the sluggish whisper of the nearby fan mocks the clamor and rush of that ole' feeling just a few hours ago. All drains down into a dim memory of the Christmas that was. A Christmas that might have never been. After that busy encounter Christmas built by tradition, I sit here, merely expecting, semi-remorseful, half-contented of the 'jubilee' that was... all built & strengthened by... what else? tradition. 

Whenever we hear the word Christmas, what comes into our minds? Santa Claus, gifts, simbang gabi + puto bumbong + bibingka, caroling, belen, decors. What about charity? Yuletide Season comes around the corner and what happens? The adrenalin rush surges and everybody scampers to buy shopping gifts for inaanaks, friends, acquaintances, relatives, & what-have-yous?

Sadly, almost all Christmases drowned me with the glamor & spectacle of that glittering Christmas instilled in us when we're still young. These young, puerile minds that relish that feeling of complete joy & happiness annually brought by Christmas. 

Christmas... Christmas... Christmas... 

From the eyes of the poor, what then is this season of bounty? Another time to test the strength, say durability, of one's pockets? A season to acknowledge who's who in the society? Is this the very essence of Christmas? Should we justify the replacement of the 1st Christmas' simplicity w/ the pompousness of our version of Christmas? 

Questions, but unfortunate answers. 

Hmm... Obviously angsty as a teenager. When I have more time, I'll post more entries from my past. =)

Minsan sa isang isang maalinsangang gabi ng Mayo, una kitang nasilayan.
Mula sa simpleng kumustahan, ang magkita'y napagkasunduan...
Sa unang ngiti mo pa lang puso ko'y lumukso.
Sa paglulan mo sa aking awto, panandaliang tumigil ang aking mundo.

Di ko maintindihan kung bakit...
Ang kadalasang matabil na dila'y biglang napinid.
Sa ating simpleng talakayan, bakit nga ba ako'y nauutal?
Ang aking maliksing isipa'y biglang napapagal?

 Aking nilimi: "Nahanap ko na ba ang aking katapat?"
"Siya na ba ang taong pag-aalayan ko ng pagsintang tapat?"
"O mahabaging Diyos, salamat sa pagkakataon!"
"O maunawaing langit, pahabain mo sana itong matamis na panahon!"

 O kay sarap sa kalooban na sa unang pagdatal
Ang dambana ng simbahan pa ang ating hinarap!
Tila bagang tayo'y nagsusumamo sa Maykapal
Na basbasan ang pagtitinginan nang lumawig pa't sumarap.

Sa tindi ng pagdarasal, para nga ring narinig
Ng mapagpalang Poon ang aking taimtim na dalangin
Ang maikling pagkikita'y nadagdagan pa, di lang ilang saglit;
Bagkus ilang oras ng pagsasama't pagmamasid sa mukha mong marikit.

Umuwi akong nag-uumapaw ang kalooban ng saya;
At pasasalamat sa tadhanang pumukaw sa lungkot ng pag-iisa.
Di pa man din tumatagal na mawalay sa iyo, puso ko na'y nangungulila
Di makatulog sa gabi't nananabik sa muli nating pagkikita.

Isang linggo ang lumipas, isang linggong tigib ng pag-ibig;
Isang linggong nahumaling sa pagsintang mainit.
Isang linggong may matamis na panaginip sa maluwat kong pag-idlip;
Isang linggong buhay ko'y nalagay sa tahimik.

Ngunit sadya nga sigurong ito'y hiram na sandali...
Ang matamis na paghimbing, natatapos din sa huli.
Ang matagal mong katahimikan, nakabibingi't puno ng pighati.
Ang pagtangis ng aking puso'y maya't maya at muli't muli.

Minsan sa isang maalinsangang gabi ng Mayo, una kitang nasilayan.
Sa isang maalinsangang gabi ng Mayo din ba ang katapusan?
Di nga ba't sa una nating pagkikita'y tayo ay binasbasan?
Upang tayo'y tumibay at tumagal ang samahan?

Paalam...

romance in times of uncertainties

There's this news story I read that got me so much interested that I stopped my regular dissertation writing for an extended period of time in order to watch and absorb the contents, and the accompanying video:



Thomasian proposes to girlfriend at graduation rites



As I end the chapter of my life as a graduate student, and entering into another stage wherein I'm expected to be more matured , responsible and independent, I find myself more and more frequently wondering about settling down, about family life -- basically wondering if I see myself more as having a family in the future, or just be like some academics who remained blissfully single during the length of their career. I've heard it said many times over: "You don't choose your calling, You don't choose your vocation." That one defines his/her happiness just means being contented with what the Lord brings him/her. Watching the video, I was able to vicariously relate with what the guy was feeling as he completes another momentous lap in his life. And brought about by the euphoria that is graduation, he can't help but celebrate this accomplishment by topping it with another equally-momentous and daring act: proposing to his long-time girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that many viewers envied the couple. Several guys would dream of having a pretty and loyal girlfriend who was one of the driving forces and inspiration behind the boyfriend/graduate's success. Many girls would dream of having a boyfriend who's a devoted lover, and who sincerely respects her and her parents. Many people would dream of getting the approval of their would-be in-laws. In a case like this, who in his right mind would forego the idea of proposing to his girlfriend in his graduation day? It was like destiny and fate connived to lead into this perfect situation.

This case awakened the hopeless romantic in me, that it's still possible to have a fairy tale romance in these uncertain times.  But it also fired up the critic in me, that the presentation would only dampen the morale of some (or probably many) viewers who don't have the complete elements of the love story that made it beautiful (or at least possible) in the first place. Not many people enjoy a nice family-situation that enables them to study a course in a university of their choice, hassle-free. Nor have the inherent good looks that makes attracting (or pursuing) a suitable partner easier compared to the rest of the population.  Nor even have the basic freedom to choose whom to love, whether because it was already arranged by others, or it's a taboo to be upfront in admitting who he/she is actually attracted with.

That's why I can say, it tears me up more to see regular people faced with regular or even disadvantageous situations, and who still get to triumph against all odds in the end. That should definitely be the bigger newsmaker.

Que sera, sera

Consider this as a prayer in writing, a prayer blog if you will. It's half past 7 in the morning. I'm here inside the faculty room, alone. Just finished a cup of coffee, and now reading a booklet given to me by a visiting professor on, of all things, "Practicing the Presence of God".

The past 3 weeks have been an eye-opener for me. My adviser was right (she always is) when she said that when I finish my grad studies and return to my home university, chances are I'd be jubilantly welcomed like a victor coming home from a well-fought war. While I doubted then that this prediction will really happen, looking back at what I've experienced so far, it really seemed like it. In faculty gatherings, for instance, I find myself more and more in the company of people who'd normally sit in "the presidential table". At first, I would reason to myself that it's because of the activities I proposed recently which "got approved" by upper admin: (1) inviting a distinguished professor to visit the Philippines, who made the rounds to the most influential Philippine universities, a conference, and a number of influential organizations, (2) recommending candidates for new faculty positions, who are fully qualified and with impressive credentials, and (3) writing and submitting research proposals that got approved and now are good candidates for the college's flagship research projects, and which became official entries to a nation-wide research competition. There's another big and surprising news personally relayed to me by an upper administrator, which I won't divulge yet since it still hasn't really sunk into my subconsciousness. Now, I'm a little (but not quite) comfortable of the added variety of responsibilities I'm currently handling. I feel really humbled by these subtle triumphs, knowing that I don't deserve all these things burgeoning at my path. I feel scared of these prospects, since the added responsibilities mean added chances of failing (and rejection). I feel anxious that I'd lose the things I am currently enjoying and taking for granted: a flexible schedule to make impulsive decisions to visit some place or see some friends and loved ones, relative anonymity to just be part of the crowd, complete control of my schedule and who I want to see, not being conscious of what I wear, what I eat, where I travel or how I travel in and around the city,  personal time for reflection and prayer or just to laze around. In short, just being under the radar, enough to remain who I am, with my sanity untarnished by politics or any added responsibility. I guess, I'm really getting older in this university where I work. My friends are starting to get key important positions, and I'm happy that they are. It's just that I haven't thought then that I will have to keep pace with them some day. Sometimes, I humor myself by thinking of the simple things I will lose someday, for example, inserting "po" or "opo" terms of respect when I converse with people, since it would soon be awkward for me to do so when I should be at the receiving end of those references. Like, for example, I found it weird that our department secretary called me "sir" one day, for the first time in a long long while, and even referred to me as such in an official email.

Hay naku. What's in store for me in the coming weeks, or months, or years, we cannot really tell. Que sera sera... But I know, Lord, my life is really in your divine hands. You are my director, my planner; You know what is best for me. I will continue to do what I think and feel is right and proper, with my conscience as my compass, but the success of all my endeavors rests on You and depends on what You will for me. Thank you, Lord, for everything You've given me. I remain in Your humble service. Teach me to be humble, and to continue being the person that you desire for me. I remain excited of the prospects, but my eyes, heart and mind open to the lessons You have prepared for me in all the things I am experiencing right now. All these, I pray, through Christ. Amen.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

Perhaps it's a fitting grand cosmic design to celebrate yet another new year (lunar) just a few weeks after the new year (solar).  This would allow us to check if we're still on the right track in keeping our new year resolutions, and the short time span for review will give many of us who don't have the discipline, memory nor the proper mindset to keep track of how we have fared so far if the period for review would be moved much later, to conveniently look back on how we've been living year 2012 so far.

Now that I've let my logic for writing this piece out, how am I faring as regards to my "published" goals so far?

First, the realizations:

I realized how *really* powerful the written word is. Not that I didn't know this concept before, having many times over endorsed the idea when advising people how to plan. But knowing is different from understanding. Looking back, I can say that I've made recent decisions that, consciously, or subconsciously adhere to what I've written in my year-goals. For example, I've been dwelling (or maybe daydreaming) with more frequency and intensity about possible potential business ideas, and have been sharing them with potential business partners whenever I get the chance. Although my target to proceed at the latter half of the year, I've entertained the idea of starting them as early as February many a time. Having blogged that this year I'd be open to having a real relationship, I've noticed myself being more and more sociable, sometimes excitedly wondering about romantic possibilities that are in store for me this year. I've said that I'll get in shape and stay in shape this year, so I signed up at a nutrition club, and plan to enroll in a fitness gym  (again earlier than I originally planned). I was able to stay away from alcohol despite me and some of my friends' continued patronage of bars to wind down after a week's hard work, and the main reason I think is because I've written it down in my new year's resolution list.

This year, I've had quite a few rounds of jogs in our subdivision, and last night I returned to jogging at the UP campus academic oval in my resolve to keep fit. I've noticed that the volume of joggers compared to late last year is higher, and I reckon all these added people's just like me, trying to shed off the extra bulge acquired because of the holidays. I guess, many people this early in the year still cling on to the hope that they would end the year proud that they fulfilled the goals they've set at the year start, and I'm hoping that they be successful in that endeavor (so I can vicariously ride on their success if I wasn't, hehehe).  Seriously, surely I was in a proper state of mind and felt all those things were indeed plausible given my personality and abilities. And I'm serious when I jotted all those things (or else, why would I have written those things here?). At my age, I know it's harder, but I'm wiser. I'm really excited to turn turn over a new leaf in my life, and embark on a grand(er) challenge. And I firmly believe that if God wills, He will provide, and if He doesn't give me what I want, it's because He knows it's not the best for me.

There's a quote I heard from the AM radio as I was preparing to go to school which struck me: "Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you."  I think this will be my theme for the year. Here goes...

this is a shout out

Arrggh!!! I just want to let out my frustration, for not having the mental composure to write even an introductory paragraph of my dissertation. How I wish I can just write whatever is in mind, just like how I did in this blog. But sadly, a formal technical document is also concerned with organization and clarity, not to mention having to follow a lot of dos and donts, not normally encountered in essays and feature writing.

I wonder how my document would turn out if I have a transcriber of all my thoughts, and whatever sane (at least believable) explanation that I've blurted to anyone wishing to have an idea of my research. Even I've been making a lot of corrections to this document, which should have been free-form in the first place.

About the previous paragraph, looks interesting. Maybe I can apply for a research grant exploring the possibility of such a device in the future. Hmmm... Back to work!

New Year's resolution

In retrospect, year 2011 has been full of challenges for me and my family. I would like to think that this past year has been a year of sowing, and hopefully soon, the belt-tightening discipline and the investments I've made will soon produce a bountiful harvest. The first part of the year probably would be spent tending to the seeds I've sowed last year. So, to get myself better prepared and fit enough for that season-a-plenty, I resolve to do the following for this year:

1. Be more health-conscious. 
1. More trips to health clubs (planning to enroll with my brother and sister-in-law) and keep (most of the time) a healthy diet.
2. Be more friendly with my medical doctor (i.e. time delay before consultation should be less).
3. Earlier bed time (at least after I've defended my dissertation).
4. Less alcohol (why have I been more alcoholic now that I'm older?)
2. Be more independent (long term goal)
1. Be financially independent
1. Earn more to save more (consultancy and IT company with bro).
2. Zero credit card debt by end of the year.
3. More investment in credit cooperative.
4. Set-up own tutorial services. 
2. Live independently
1. Learn to cook.
2. Buy my own place (long term: target is somewhere in Sta. Rosa, Laguna). 

The last major goal is better explained in paragraph form. Now that I feel that I will soon be accomplishing the career goals I've set up in the early part of my working life, and my body clock's telling me that life *might* be better spent by sharing it with that special someone, I would like to give more effort in searching. So, this year I resolve to be more visible in social gatherings. This early, some relatives and friends are already setting me up for dates. Ok then, looks like they know me better than myself, and some personalities are quite interesting, so this time I'll probably give in to their sincere requests and give romance another try. However, I'm already taking steps of my own to meet people, and taking some long term friendships in deeper, more personal levels. Looks like 2012 really is exciting!